Don’t Compete With What He Loves

Don’t Compete With What He Loves

Why do we women feel like our spouses need to love us more than anything or anyone else in the world? Why do we wait until his favorite sports team is playing to stand in front of the television until he proves that he loves us more?

Ladies here’s a secret, the longer you try to compete or make your husband choose between the very thing that he loves (outside of you of course) such as a favorite sports team, a hobby, a best friend, a parent, a sibling, his favorite place, etc the further you will push him away.

Your husband needs something outside of you to channel some of his energy. If your relationship is overall in a good state, give him that special time alone when he’s able to be motivated or inspired by whatever means he likes.

In fact, you should encourage it because the happier he is, the happier you will be. And trust me he will love you more for stepping back and allowing him to have his personal time.

If your relationship is on the rocks than most likely his love for these things or people makes you a tad jealous so it’s imperative you work on the issues at hand and not use this as another problem to the list. If you do this, and unfortunately I see it all the time, your husband will regret you and your interaction with him will be limited and unsatisfying.

Don’t compete with what your husband loves, join forces. Encourage him (with boundaries of course), and I promise your time together will be all the more worth wild, because he will appreciate that you understand him and wants him to be happy, thus making you happy.

For more tips on how to build a happier, more satisfying, sustainable marriage visit amazon.com on August 25, 2012 for the release of my book, “How to Love A Muslim Man:100 Interviews with 100 Muslim Men.

Until we meet again, Happy Reading!

11 Responses to Don’t Compete With What He Loves

  1. Well crafted, simple, reaching and rich. Love is like the matrix and the matrices. One does not restric the expansion or conspriction of the other. Love is duplicatable cos we can love many children but in different proportion. The crime is when we tell and show the difference. Please, keep this up. -Mikail

    • Thank you Mikail for your response. I agree, the crime is when we show our favortism to the object of our love and that in turns, hurts the one we love. We’ll most likely never get this whole love thing truly down pact but we can be more proactive in trying to attain sound relationships and sustainable marriages. Thanks again!

  2. As sulaamu aleykum sister,

    This is very beneficial advice. I wonder, what if the case is that the husband’s other love is a non-mahram woman who he has been friends with for years and who is not a muslim woman, or Christian or Jewish. He is adamant about keeping friends with her and he emails and chats with her on the phone. He tells his wife that she mustn’t be mad and that her feelings of jealousy are unwarranted. The wife has seen that this woman makes him really happy and the wife wants her husband to be happy but is depressed because another woman is making him happy. Then he reveals to the wife that this could be his potential second wife although nothing is set in stone right now. Should the wife allow this relationship between he husband and a non-mahram non-muslim woman develop?

    • Thank you Traci for your reply and what a great question. First, I’m no scholar so please be sure to check your references and make istikharah prayer when seeking advice before making any decisions. As for your husband being “friends” with a person of the opposite sex is forbidden in Islam just as a woman who is “friends” with a person of the opposite sex is forbidden. All throughout the Quran it is emphasized “Do not go near zina(fornication)”. Therefore communicating via text, email, phone, etc is not allowed at all. Now if your husband is interested in another woman, he must speak to her wali (male guardian, ie father, brother, or Imam appointed to her, to place his intentions for marriage then some form of communication would be allowed. Muslim men are allowed to marry women of the book (christian or Jew) however the criterai is that they don’t worship idols and they are chaste. So in this case if the woman does not fit the criteria she is forbidden for him.
      How to deal with your husband loving another woman: Subhanallah, this is a huge test. There’s no real formula for this situation rather a compilation of advice that can help adjust to it. The best advice I’ve heard yet is 1) You can gain the most love from your husband by giving Allah all your attention and love and He will in return increase your spouse’s love for you. This has been proven over and over again. The more Allah loves you because of your deeds, the more He will show you through His creation. 2) It’s natural to be jealous, but when you are over jealous it will push your husband away. Some sisters found it very effective to go back to school, pick up a new hobby, or get to that to do list they’ve been putting off to keep their minds busy. This helps to fulfill the self and not spends hours, days, months and years consumed with the pain of a spouse taking on another wife. 3) Know that the test is from Allah alone and when you go to the source for the comfort and repose, He will send you to the right people, places, and things to get the relief. This is one of the hardest tests any woman will face in her lifetime while here on earth but after all the emotion, turmoil, ups and downs, Allah is the one who tests us and He can’t wait for you to get the lesson from it so you can move on to the next test. I pray this has helped you. We are human beings dealing with real emotions, but the beautiful part is that when logic enters back into our minds, we have a real powerful source to get answers and show us how to live in this temporary space for a temporary time. That source is The Creator! I will keep you in my prayers and please let me know how you resolved this.

  3. Alhamdulillah! Hujrah, your articles are so profound and is needed. This was a great reminder to just be easy and relax. It’s all good and keep my faith in Allah. Thank you for taking your time to give to us. You are a gem!

  4. Thank you Tahirah!! I am only a gem because I reflect you, a more beautiful and shining gem!! Thank you and I’m so appreciative that you enjoy the articles. I am grateful for your friendship!

  5. hujrah ,ur words brought tears in my eyes ,MA shah Allah .Allah blesssd u such a talent that touches the heart directly

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